Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
