Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
