Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
