Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
