Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
