Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
