Will you blow on my dice?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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