I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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