I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
