sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
