Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
