She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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