I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I deserve this hangover.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
