I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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