Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
