i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
