we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
