i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
