theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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