smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
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