I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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