Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
