youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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