my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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