My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
