the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
