so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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