Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
