Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
