So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
