dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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