hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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