the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
