mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
