He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
