i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I am midnight drunk by noon
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
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