I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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