my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
