Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
