I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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