Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Randomize
