After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
