I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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