I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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