sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
