im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
