It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
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Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
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they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
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