just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
