you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
