I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
