I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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