Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize