I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
