i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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