I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Randomize
