I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
