there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
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So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
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alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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