You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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