Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I am mentally ready for anal.
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