Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
